I find myself in a cab heading to the Bronx at approximately 9:30pm. I arrive to my destination only to be greeted with a very strong, loving energy. I walk in and observe the atmosphere. Very chill. Two cats roaming around, wondering who this stranger is that has come to their home. Wine, strawberries and chocolate. This is a home. Two adults. Two cats. Normal lives. They go to work, come home and watch TV. Discuss each other’s day. So why, out of all the couples in the world do I chose to interview them? Meet Victoria (V. Bella) Mills and Tiq Milan. Together for a little over a year, Vik and Tiq lived interesting lives apart, but as a union, they are powerful. Tiq, Editor in Chief of Ikons Magazine and Vik, founder of Bel Ange Publishing LLC and author, have a very unique relationship. On the outside, Tiq and Vik look like a normal heterosexual couple. The truth is, Vik identifies as a lesbian and Tiq is a transman.
Many people have questions about this kind of relationship. People draw their own judgments. Most times, their judgments are based off of complete ignorance (lack of knowledge) on the transgender community. “Why are you trying to be a man?” “How are you a lesbian that likes dick?” “So this means you’re bisexual now?” These are all questions that run through the minds of others when they think about Tiq and Vik’s relationship (or any other relationship similar to theirs). I took the time to sit with both Vik and Tiq to not only educate me, but others about their relationship. In no way shape or form are these two the spokesmen for the transgender/queer/lesbian relationship, but they do live it.
“When you follow your heart, there’s no telling where it will lead you.” –Marsha
The beginning- Tiq and Vik informally met at the Prada Ball a few years ago. They eventually became Facebook friends and chatted occasionally. Tiq reached out to Vik to see if she wanted to be involved in a magazine project he was working on. Last year, he randomly asked her out for drinks and she welcomed the invitation but asked that it be at a later time when she was finished with school. She had no idea he was interested in her romantically. She thought the meeting would be to discuss writing and working with each other. It wasn’t until he sent her a Facebook message after her graduation/book release party that she realized he was interested in that way. Vik initially declined his advances but was still interested in befriending him and picking his brain as she didn’t have any transgender associates. This quickly led to a first date and the rest is history. After they started dating Vik became more and more intrigued by the transgender community and wanted to educate herself. She sought out information through Tiq. He would invite her to panel discussions about the trans community. As she began to educate herself about his transition, it lessened the anxiety of being in this kind of dating situation. Of course for her it would be a transition as well. Vik says that dating a transman is definitely different. In a lesbian relationship, she is still allowed to be dominant. “I cannot interact with him the same way I interact with a woman. At the end of the day, it’s still dating another person.” The major transition Vik had to make was getting the pronouns right. “It was hard to say ‘my man, my boyfriend.’ “ She felt that it changed who she identified as. “I am not bisexual and I’m not heterosexual,” she explained. Vik felt conflicted. While she is still working on the identity aspect Vik contemplates on labeling herself queer to compliment Tiq’s identity as her boyfriend not her girlfriend. It allows her more freedom. Tiq definitely knows who he is. He would not compromise who he was and he didn’t want Vik to compromise who she is either. He is okay with Vik still identifying as a lesbian. “You don’t have to give up your lesbian identity for me,” says Tiq. “People that don’t know me don’t know that I’m trans. Her identifying as a lesbian is her as her own. I’m who I am and she is who she is, then there’s US.” Their sexual identity equates to their individual struggle. Tiq fully respects her title as a lesbian and feels no need to strip her from that.
Vik came out as a lesbian to her mother 3 years ago and came out to her father 1 year ago. While she is fully out as a lesbian, she has not made that second outing to her parents yet. Tiq is definitely “the one.” Because Vik is sure of this, she wants to tell her parents about Tiq by the end of the year. This is a relationship that they both seem very sure about. As an observer, I could definitely see that the connection between them is natural. There was no trying. They laugh and joke effortlessly. It’s such an admirable relationship that regardless of any qualms that someone might have, the interaction between the 2 of them would make you reconsider any hesitations. Tiq came out as a lesbian at the age of 15. By 27, Tiq began his transition. Tiq says that he is continuously coming out. His family hasn’t given him a hard time and his biggest struggle was facing thoughts of possibly disappointing his parents. “It would kill me to know that I’ve disappointed my parents,” he explained. His family is still adjusting. They’re working on the pronouns. Mid interview, Tiq stops to show me the card his sister sent him. The card was geared towards him being her brother (rather than her sister). The excitement in his eyes could’ve lit up a room. More than anything, it is clear that both Tiq and Vik seek acceptance from their families before they give a care about what the community has to say about them. Vik is the first girlfriend that Tiq has brought home as a man. It was great to be able to prove that this is a “healthy and affirming relationship.” Don’t get it twisted, while they want their parents to approve of them, Tiq confidently states, “If my family doesn’t come around, me and Victoria will still be me and Victoria.”
The inbetween- Tiq and Vik is a physically attractive couple. They complement each other. Tiq is very tall with a very strong frame. Vik is slim, short and the poster girl for the tatted up female. She’s soft and feminine, but has tattoos that cover her arms and her back. They’re both cancers. Both undercover emotional types. Both artistically inclined. Activist. African American. Writers. The list of things that they have in common are endless. The main thing that keeps them connected is that Tiq was born a woman. Because Tiq has lived most of his life understanding and living as a woman, he can fully understand Vik. He understands her when she is going through the emotional stages of being a woman because he has lived it at one point in his life. He understands the neediness of a woman. He understands the hormonal imbalance during menstruation because he has lived it. At no point does Tiq forget or not acknowledge that part of his life. It’s helped him become who he is today. Without all of that, I feel it would be difficult to recognize the disconnect of your physical body from your mental self. At the end of that day, that’s what it is. You mentally feel something that does not mirror your body. Tiq’s transition wasn’t because he wanted to be a man. Tiq transitioned because he was a man. His body just didn’t match. Living in a woman’s body, you still have to go through the things that women go though. Your period doesn’t stop because you say, “I’m a man and I don’t bleed.” The hormonal affects of menstruation does not change because you mentally feel like a man. Once Tiq began taking Testosterone, the emotional makeup that he carried as a woman changed. Not only did his body change, but certain things that would have deemed him more feminine changed also. Still, he is able to understand Vik and Vik is able to appreciate that. “I’m not a woman anymore but I understand a woman because I was raised a woman.”
The pressure- Where do transgenders fit into our community? Through experience, Tiq has confirmed that sometimes he feels there’s not a place for him. He doesn’t really like to go to the lesbian clubs because he doesn’t want to make the women feel uncomfortable. He does identify as a straight man though. Most of his friends are either transmen or lesbians. “The community is all I know.” He does not feel disconnected from the community at all but he recognizes that there is a gray area when it comes to the transgender community. It is very difficult when you are being judged within your own community. Tiq feels that some aggressive lesbians may feel like he has conformed. Now he has become privileged because he no longer can identify with the struggles of an African American lesbian. He has taken the more acceptable way out and has become a black man. What most don’t realize is that there is a whole other struggle in being a transman. Tiq had gotten swine flu a few years back and was hospitalized. This was pre surgery. As he was in the hospital, he was denied service from a doctor once he realized that Tiq was transitioning. Tiq had to call his mother and have her speak on his behalf to find him a different doctor. This type of discrimination happens every day. Tiq now has to worry about being an African American man. He has to worry about the police. Most people don’t realize that the struggle is not only in your sexual identity, it’s in being African American. Before being born gay, straight, bisexual, lesbian you are born African American. Tiq has to now prove himself as a man. “I feel a pressure and an obligation to live as a good black man not only for me but for the public. Everything I do is not just for me but for black men as a whole. I accept it and I love it.”
Everyone has a struggle, but acknowledge that everyone’s struggle is different. Vik has her own struggle. She deals with people who don’t understand her choices. People assume now that she is bisexual or straight. Most lesbians feel abandoned when a woman decides to go from dating women to men. There is a struggle in constantly having to explain or defend your relationship. As a couple, they use each opportunity as a means to educate others. Together, they’ve learned how to pick and choose their battles. Not every ignorant comment deserves an answer.
The future- Tiq and Vik have near future plans to get married and have children. If you would’ve asked Vik 2 years ago if this is the life she envisioned for herself, she would’ve said no. Ultimately, she wouldn’t change any of this for the world. Nothing in life is perfect. I’m sure this couple has their ups and downs like anyone else, but their level of maturity and love is what makes them work. There is an understanding there.
I walked away from this interview humbled and enlightened. I want to thank both Tiq and Vik for allowing me into their home and also allowing me to absorb a few hours of their life.
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